You do or You Don't
by TheMacUnleashed
Summary: Cleaning up together after a battle leads Barriss to realize that her feelings for Ahsoka are not entirely platonic. Barriss/Ahsoka -one-sided, at the moment.
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** You do or You Don't  
**Rating: **PG-13  
**Characters/Pairings: **Barriss, Ahsoka -no pairings here  
**Warnings:** Mentions of blood and two females showering together, but nothing explicit; mild spoilers for S2 of The Clone Wars.  
**Disclaimer: **Don't own Star Wars; title from the Lindsey Buckingham song of the same name.  
**Summary:** Ahsoka and Barriss get cleaned up together after a battle. For my **hc_bingo** wildcard space.

* * *

"Ahsoka?"

The ship's door slides closed quietly behind Barriss, sealing the quarters that lack of space forces she and Ahsoka to share on the way back to Coruscant from a brutal battle just inside of the Outer Rim.

Ahsoka is sitting in her sleep-cot, head ducked to avoid hitting the ceiling of the low compartment. Her hand is folded across her abdomen, and in the dark chamber -the lights are all out- she can't see the expression on her friend's face. "Did you realize you're covered in blood?"

"Yes, it crossed my mind." An occupational hazard, of course; she was the closest thing to a trained healer that they had on-board the ship, even with Masters Unduli and Skywalker. Spending two hours carefully maneuvering shrapnel around arteries and muscle with her mind was bound to result in some blood spilling onto her, but she was too tired to say so. "It's awfully dark in here. Did I wake you?"

"No. I just wanted it dim." She notices that Ahsoka's arm hasn't left moved from where it was clutched around her torso. "How long ago did you arrive back here?"

"Not long. Anakin took his sweet time briefing the Council; I don't know why I had to be there for all of it. He and Luminara could have done it without me."

"Master Unduli," she absentmindedly corrects out of habit. "What's wrong?"

Ahsoka starts, and even in the darkness, something about her looks decidedly guilty. Barriss doesn't even need the Force to show she that, which is good, because she feels weak and disconnected from it, a result of spending so long immersed entirely in its power. "Nothing."

"Is that a med-kit?" It is, of course; she could recognize it from a great distance after all the time that she has spent around it; identifying it in the cramped space is no difficulty at all. "Why aren't you in the med-bay?"

Ahsoka reluctantly drops her arm from her side, letting the wrapper from a bacta-patch fall listlessly onto the floor. "They're swamped down there, and it isn't that bad."

"It's bad enough so that you hid it from Master Skywalker. I doubt you'd go through all that trouble for a tiny scratch." The accusation in her voice is clear, but she doesn't mind. Ahsoka deserves it. Crouching by her side, Barriss reaches out and presses a switch. Weak, buzzing lights fill the room, and the sound they make as the power courses through the translucent tubes is enough to give her a headache after hearing it for a few seconds; she can understand why Ahsoka wanted it off.

The waterproof bandage was applied well, especially for a job done so hastily in the dark, but it doesn't entirely cover the long, dark gash that crosses over Ahsoka's side, and it certainly doesn't affect the dried blood stained around it. "How did you manage to hide this from the Masters?" she asks. How Ahsoka got it is more important -there's too much blood for it to have been a blaster wound- but every now and then her curiosity takes over.

"It wasn't hard. They were both distracted -you know, with the war that's going on and all- and I didn't think it was bleeding that hard." Ahsoka shrugs, then winces. "It was just shielding after that. And wearing my cloak." Indeed, she can see the discarded brown material tossed over in the corner, and knows that it's probably stained with blood.

"It was a mistake," she adds wryly, gesturing to the injury. She clearly knows Barriss well enough to anticipate what the next question was going to be. "I was running after one of the droids -one of the advanced ones; I don't even know if they have a class yet, but it was retreating, which was definitely new- and I tripped and pierced my side on something. It isn't deep."

No, she can tell that from sight, and also that it doesn't cross any major veins. It is wide, though, and likely extremely painful, even for a Jedi. "You should be fine with a bacta patch for now, as long as you let a healer look at it when we get back to Coruscant. Or at least let me see it tomorrow, when I have the energy to do a more thorough exam." She yawns, punctuating her words, and notices the dried blood on her hands. She'd managed to ignore the feeling as it slowly congealed, even through Ahsoka's observations, but now that she's seen it again she can feel it, sticky against her clammy skin.

That draws her back to Ahsoka. "You look as bad as me, at least." A nod to the injury. "You need to wash that out."

"You need to get washed too. You're worse-off than me." Ahsoka slides off of her bunk and stands; Barriss stretches up with her. "You go first."

"No, you go. You're at least as bad as I am." She, at least, was able to step into one of the decontamination chambers before entering the med-bay and got the dirt and sweat of battle taken off of her. Ahsoka hasn't even had that small luxury yet.

"Barriss..."

"Ahsoka..." she glares back, defiant. Always put others before one's self is an important maxim to follow for a Jedi, and doubly so for a Jedi Healer, or one in training. She'll stick by it to the end.

"This is silly. Let's just do it together." Ahsoka roles her eyes and makes her way towards the small 'fresher adjacent to their quarters. "Come on," she snaps, noticing Barriss' reluctance. "I've chased you down when you had worms in your brain; I've been trapped under a collapsing droid factory with you, and you're too modest to take a quick shower with me to save time rinsing the blood off of you? That doesn't make any sense. You're being too..." she wrinkles her nose, searching for the word. "Prudish, I suppose. Too proper, as always."

"I'm not 'too proper!'" she snaps back. That's one of the few things that Ahsoka can say to really get to her. Proper is proper; she is when it matters, and it almost always does. "You want to do this? Fine." She steps past Ahsoka into the tiny room and presses a button to activate the lights. "Are you with me or not?" Too proper for you now? is what she really wants to say, but she manages to hold her tongue.

Ahsoka grins and steps around her. "I am."


	2. Chapter 2

The 'fresher is small and tight; less than a meter separates Barriss from Ahsoka, and it's impossible to avoid bumping into her as she turns away from her and shoulders off her heavy robes. The ship is freezing, and she shivers as she tosses the thick cloth into the corner, even through the jumpsuit that she wears beneath.

Ahsoka elbows her from behind just as she's about to bend over and undo her boots. "Sorry. It's pretty small in here, isn't it?"

"Yes, it is rather cramped." Barriss kicks off her shoes and straightens up, trying not to allow her nervousness to translate into sarcasm. This is... not wrong, precisely; not really improper, but it's different. Awkward.

She fumbles with her belt, congealed blood scraping off onto its buckle, and then drops it into the corner, on top of her cloak. Quickly, before she can change her mind she peels the skintight pants off, and then straightens up and shrugs off her shirt. It was ripped during the battle, ruined, and wasn't the best to be wearing while helping in the med-bay; blood leaked through the thin cloth and through the rips, leaving sticky stains on her skin to mingle with the sweat that accumulated while she worked.

Barriss finally turns around and sees Ahsoka leaning against the wall, arms folded over her bare chest. The laceration on her side stands out against her red-skin, dark and angry. "You're slow," she says, shivering. "Hurry up."

"I'm so sorry." She hesitates, then figures that it would be foolish to bother getting her undergarments soaked and removes them, not meeting Ahsoka's eyes. "Are you ready?"

"Yes, in fact, I am ready to see if I've got any skin left beneath the blood. I've been ready for the past three hours." Ahsoka pulls the frame back from the shower and steps inside, not bothering to try do any of the 'after you' formalities that Barriss would have done. "Come on."

For a moment she considers telling Ahsoka to stop being so bossy, but the words sound childish, even in her head. Besides, it really is cold in hyperspace, on a ship that can't be bothered with a proper heating system.

The shower is twice as cramped as the 'fresher was; she's pressing up to the back wall and Ahsoka is on the other end, but she can tell that there probably won't be any way to avoid contact. Not that Barriss expected there to be, but this is, well, close. Intimate. She faces the back wall, not allowing herself to look at her friend.

Ahsoka is closest to the shower's small control panel, nearer to the shower-head -for a ship with as poor heating as this, it's surprising that they wouldn't opt for a more economical sonic shower, but she's thankful for the small luxury. "Warm or cold?"

"Warm." She turns around, just for a second, to glance at Ahsoka, keeping her eyes firmly on her face. "It's freezing."

Ahsoka nods in agreement and nimbly runs her hand over the panel, fingers flicking quickly and without hesitation as she sets the specific temperature. "And... go."

The resulting stream of water hits her instantly, melting through layers of sweat, blood, and fatigue. For a moment she braces her arms against the wall and closes her eyes, relaxing to the feeling of the drops pound her sore skin. She could almost fall asleep right there, and maybe she would have, if Ahsoka didn't break the moment by thrusting a small packet into her hands. "Shampoo," she says smugly, grinning over her shoulder. Her montrals quiver. "I figure I won't need to bother with it."

Barriss surprises herself by making a rude gesture at Ahsoka, something she would never dare do otherwise, but these aren't typical circumstances, and Ahsoka's surprised laughter is worth breaking the protocol, she thinks. She rips open the shampoo packet and rubs it onto her hair, massaging her scalp, taking more care than she usually would. The water slides off her back as she works in a calming rhythm.

"You're rinsing off your soap onto me," Ahsoka informs her, not sounding particularly angry. "Just another reason why I'm glad I don't have hair."

"You just don't know what you're missing out on." Satisfied, she tosses it back, accidentally whipping Ahsoka with the long strands in the process. "Sorry."

Turning around to grab one of the washcloths off of their designated durasteel bar, she fully faces Ahsoka for the first time since stepping in. Her back is turned, and Barriss notices a few bruises up near her shoulders, consequences of playing soldier to the Republic. They look new, and Barriss sympathizes; she's got a few of her own from their most recent battle. Her gaze trails downwards, along the smooth curve of Ahsoka's back and lower, and she notes a few discolored patches on Ahsoka's thighs as well; they'll be sore in the morning if the painkillers are short, and from her time in the med-bay, she knows that they are.

Ahsoka turns around at that moment and their eyes meet. Barriss feels herself blush; she wasn't staring, not really, but it feels like that, and it must look like that, and Force, what Ahsoka must think...

Whatever that is, she doesn't let on, although she is first to break the contact, grabbing a new washcloth and soaping it up. "Back?" she asks lightly.

"What?"

"Do you want me to do your back?" Ahsoka nods, makes a 'turn-around' gesture, as if it really isn't a question at all. "I was going to ask you to do mine."

"Oh -sorry. I'm just really tired." She shakes her head; it's a poor excuse for anyone, but especially for a Jedi. "Yes, please, if it isn't any trouble. I'll get yours right after."

She turns around and pulls her hair off of her back, holding it in a sort of ponytail over her shoulder. "Will that do?"

"You're fine," Ahsoka replies, sounding amused; it must be nice not to have to worry about such things. She hears a low scuffling as Ahsoka carefully moves into a better position, and then feels the low pressure of a hand on her shoulder. The other hand is holding the soapy cloth that's vigorously being rubbed across her back in long strokes at the moment.

Ahsoka does her shoulders first, moving her hands around as necessary, and Barriss almost relaxes under the touch. The cloth is rough, but not exactly scratchy, and despite that, it feels good on her skin.

Hands trace along her spine, pausing midway at the curve of her back. "You're bruised pretty badly," Ahsoka says in a matter-of-fact way, and Barriss feels the truth of her words as her fingers skim over the area. She stifles a wince.

"I hadn't even realized."

"I never do. Almost never, anyway. At least, not until the morning after." She can picture Ahsoka's grimace even if she can't see it. "Kriffing tinnies."

She almost responds by telling Ahsoka not to swear so much, or to use the clones' casual slang, but Ahsoka's hands drift lower before she can, and without thinking she tenses, skin prickling at the touch.

It's too much to hope for that Ahsoka doesn't notice. She draws back, removing the washcloth. "Sorry, I..."

Barriss really isn't sure what to say either, so she just turns around, accidentally brushing Ahsoka with her arm, and ignoring the way that she could swear her skin began to tingle at the slight contact. "Here, let me see the cloth."

Ahsoka hands it over wordlessly and turns around, now facing the shower's nozzle. As Barriss rubs more soap onto it, she lightly asks, "I suppose you don't need me to move my hair?"

"That probably won't be necessary." Her hands feel jittery as they massage the cloth over Ahsoka's back, and when she realizes that she probably isn't doing as good a job as Ahsoka did, she forces herself to slow down. "You're bruised too," she adds, lightly sliding the cloth over her shoulders.

"I know. I think I got 'em at the same time as this." Ahsoka places her hand on her side, indicating the deep cut.

"I'll have to look at that when we get out." Barriss is still tired, but at the same time she feels sharp and alert, like she would leap out of her skin at a touch. "With the blood gone, it will be easier for me to see how deep and how long it is."

"If you insist." Ahsoka stands still as she washes the lower area of her back, not daring to allow her hand, or her eyes, to dip too far. "Almost finished?"

"Yes, I'm done now. Why, was I taking too long for you?" She's rinsing the washcloth out now, wringing it, and then quickly squeezing on more of the liquid soap, then turns around, not wanting to see Ahsoka as she carefully washes her torso.

"No. I was just wondering."

It's silent for a short time, save for the peaceful noise of the water raining down on them, and Barriss thoughtlessly cleans the grime off of herself, until she realizes that she's been rubbing circles on her stomach for what feels like several minutes.

She rolls her eyes, annoyed at her absentmindedness, and carefully turns to the side. Feet firm, she bends down and washes her legs. She blushes furiously, all too aware of Ahsoka's presence, and it feels like she's being stared at in this mildly compromising position, even though she knows that's not true.

Straightening up, she quickly turns from Ahsoka, mindful not to lose her balance, and gently runs the cloth between her legs, still well aware of the blood rushing to her face.

That done, she moves away from the wall once more and rinses out the cloth again. Ahsoka, pressed against the control panel, almost outside of the water's reach, is doing the same.

"Finished?" she asks, giving her washcloth one final twist and slipping it back onto the durasteel bar.

"Yes." Barriss duplicates Ahsoka's actions and enjoys the feel of the water, turned cooler than they had originally set it, running down her body, before Ahsoka presses a few buttons and the stream abruptly stops.

There's a pause, short but awkward, before Ahsoka reaches out and draws the frame away, revealing the rest of the 'fresher. She steps out first, and Barriss follows close on her heels. "There are towels, right?"

"Yes, I think so." Ahsoka crouches next to the sink, water dripping from her bare body to the tiled floor. "Here we go." She passes two towels, rougher than the washcloths were, up to Barriss. "Do you need another for your hair?"

"I won't bother, thank you very much." It seems as though bothering with wrapping her hair up would lead to more wisecracks from Ahsoka, and she can do quite well without those.

She wipes her back herself, not daring to ask for Ahsoka's help, and Ahsoka seems to be thinking somewhere along the same lines. They dry off in silence, except for the constant stream of quiet apologies as they bump into each other.

They're done at almost exactly the same moment. Barriss hesitates, holding the soaking towel, and then wraps it around her body. It doesn't seem right to forgo modesty for longer than they need to, but she still feels reluctant, although she can't place her finger on just _why_ she does.

Ahsoka moves to do the same, but Barriss, seeing the angry gash, quickly says, "Wait. Can I just look at the cut first?"

"Thanks." Ahsoka wrinkles her nose distastefully; it must have been bothering her more than she was letting on, which isn't surprising; although she knows that you can't judge a wound's severity by its appearance, it can usually be a good indicator, and this one clearly says that, although it might not be life-threatening, it certainly _is_ painful.

Without being asked to, Ahsoka spreads the towel on the closed toilet's seat and sits down, twisting so that the injury faces Barriss. She kneels down to have a closer look. "Does it hurt?"

"Yes. Of course." It was a foolish question, but the best one that she could think of.

"The bleeding has stopped on its own. That's good." She presses a hand lightly to the injury, examining it with the Force. "It isn't infected. You should still bandage it, though." Barriss stands up. "I'll get the bacta patches for you. Wait here."

A rush of cold air greets her as she pushes open the fresher's door; she hadn't realized how steamy it was in there. She spots the med-kit and snatches it up as the chill covers her even through the towel, and quickly heads back into the cramped room, shutting the door behind her.

"Here we go." She kneels back down, face level to Ahsoka's side, and peels away the largest size of bacta patch available. "Everything looks to be in order, but you should still get that examined."

"I know. I will." Ahsoka waits as she stretches the bandage across the cut, tapping her fingers against her leg, the only sign of impatience that she shows.

"There." Barriss smoothes the bandage down over Ahsoka's smooth skin, noticing her slight wince. "Sorry."

"That's okay." Ahsoka gets up, wrapping the towel around her waist. "Thanks."

"Just doing my job."

"I know, but still. Thanks."

There's a pause, both of them facing each other in the cramped, humid space, and Barriss almost opens her mouth to say something –she isn't sure what, but likely something she will regret later- but Ahsoka turns around before she can, and walks out of the 'fresher. "I'll get changed out here, I think. There isn't much room inside."

"No, there isn't," Barriss replies, and the impulse to speak those other words is broken, and she pushes it away as she reaches out to grab her clothes.


	3. Chapter 3

**Title: **You do or You Don't (part III)  
**Summary:** Barriss realizes that she has feelings for Ahsoka, and not the sort that can be ignored.  
**Word count: **~1900  
**Characters**/**pairings: **(one-sided) Barriss/Ahsoka  
**Rating: **PG-13 for imagery.  
**Notes: **For no other reasons besides that I was bothered by the lack of Barriss/Ahsoka stories, and because I'd had the first half of this sitting around in my files for several months and I wanted to do something with it, I decided to expand this. I'm planning on two or three chapters following this. Also, just to be clear -if you're in this because of "lol lesbians" you might want to hit the back button now. Yes, Barriss and Ahsoka are both girls. I find nothing wrong with the pairing, and if you do, this is not the place to be.

* * *

Barriss' dreams are unsettling, almost feverish in their bright delirium. First, she's standing next to an ocean. The sun is setting, and she's pretty sure that it's not just disappearing into the horizon: no, it's melting now, dripping into the ocean and turning the water into a waxy melt of reds and yellows and oranges. It casts a golden sheen as it dies, painting the sharp grey rocks that cut into her feet amber and bronze. The air is warm, though, entirely unlike the cold of space that, somewhere in the back of her mind, she knows awaits her upon waking, and because it feels so good on her skin she opts to not try to get off the rocks, even as they seem to grow determined to slice into her toes and heels.

It isn't until the wind stirs the air around her and goose bumps start to prickle up along her arms and neck that she realizes she's naked—

-and then she'd in a rain forest that's also in the middle of Coruscant; she knows it is because she can see the distant outline of the Jedi Temple from over the trees. It's hot here, not pleasantly warm, and the air is heavy and burdened with unforgiving moisture. Sweat drips down Barriss' forehead and over her lips; she licks it away absentmindedly, overwhelmed by the bright colors of the flowers that grow here, deep in the long-forgotten heart of the forest. They seem to pulse before her, and the petals are curling and then unfolding in a hypnotic pattern, and she realizes that she can't see the towers of the Temple anymore, so she just watches the plants as they grow bigger and start to throb faster and faster—

-until she's in a desert, and even though she just arrived, she gets the idea that she's been here for a very long time. An oasis glows ahead, and though her lips are cracked and dry and her body feels at once bloated and withered, she starts to run towards it. Barriss slips and falls, and the gritty sand digs into her palms and knees, but she can't bring herself to care; she just pulls forwards and drags her limp body, until at last she feels a shallow stretch of water beneath her fingers, a prelude to the real thing. Then, she gains the strength to pull herself to her feet and walk into the pool. She doesn't even need to pull off her robes.

Water soaks though her parched body, and Barriss laughs as she's reminded what it's like to be fully hydrated once more. She tosses back her hair, overcome by the sheer joy of it all, and she's neither surprised nor disturbed by the realization that she isn't the only one in the pond right now; not bothered at all that her jubilation should be witnessed, and she gladly accepts the proffered scarlet hand—

When Barriss wakes up, she doesn't remember what she was dreaming about. Her thin shift is soaked through with sweat, though, as is the blanket that's tangled around her. Despite that, she's shivering, overcome with a sense of having lost something that she was very fond of, or at the very least, having left it behind in sleep –and really, that and loss are the same thing.

"Morning," Ahsoka announces from her bunk across the room, and Barriss sits up, tossing aside her sheet and nearly hitting her head on the low ceiling above her sleeping pallet. It's an innocent statement (if technically inaccurate; there is neither morning nor night in hyperspace, after all) but with it comes the memory of last night -or at least, the time that came before their sleep- and that brings with it the weight of the consequences of their actions.

Or rather, the consequences of her _reaction_ to their actions. Showering together is innocent enough; she's done it before with Master Unduli when space was limited, and it was very official then, very businesslike. A necessity, and nothing more.

And really, it was a wise idea to shower together. It saved water and time, and it gave her the chance to examine Ahsoka's injuries. Nothing more than that; logically, there should be no consequences.

Barriss glances up at Ahsoka and meets her eyes, and then quickly looks away, feeling something that she can only classify as wrong. "Are you going into the 'fresher now, Ahsoka?"

"No, I've been in already. You really slept in." Ahsoka gives her a sidelong glance. "Are you feeling well?"

"I feel fine," she replies stiffly, clambering to her feet and, instantaneously, regretting her rudeness. "Tired, though. Aren't you?"

"Of course. We all are. Even Sky Guy looked warn-out when I talked to him. I woke up about an hour ago," she adds. "You looked like you could use some more sleep, so I didn't try to get you up."

"Thank you. Are you feeling well?"

"Yeah. I went to the Healers when I woke up. Ersatz reapplied your bandages. He said that you did a good job."

Barriss nods. Ersatz, the Clone trained as a Healer that headed the ship's med-bay, would be the one to treat Ahsoka. "Ersatz is a good Healer," she says. "One of the best non-Jedi that I've met."

"He is good," answers Ahsoka, straightening up her bed sheets, "but I like you better. By the way, Master Unduli was up and said to tell you that we'd be landing soon -actually, we'll be pulling out of hyperspace in five, I think."

"Thank you for telling me," she says automatically, her voice filling in for her momentarily useless mind as she grabs and analyzes Ahsoka's words. _But I like you better? _What in the name of the Force was Ahsoka playing at? In any other context... well, were the words said to anyone but her, from anyone but Ahsoka, then they would seem almost flirtatious.

Barriss shakes her head as she grabs her robes and steps into the cramped fresher. Leaning back against the wall, she closes her eyes and just _thinks_ for a moment, running over the events of the night before, and running over the few things that have happened since this morning -more importantly, the few things she's _felt_ since this morning.

The other 'night,' or what-have-you -it was nighttime by her inner clock, anyhow, just as her body tells her now that they're fast-approaching noon- was the first time that Barriss was ever in such close proximity to Ahsoka. Prior to that, they had shared cabins, of course, and fought alongside each other (which, Barriss privately thinks, was far more intimate on an emotional level than washing together was) but never had they viewed each other so blatantly, bumped against each other while -oh, Force; she's a Healer-in-training, it shouldn't be so embarrassing to think it- but well, while naked. Undressed; skin-to-skin.

And she had -well, she had felt awkward, uncomfortable, self-conscious, and nervous. And beyond that, Barriss knows that she had liked it. She enjoyed standing next to Ahsoka, her hair dripping water down to head-tails; enjoyed -through all of her jittery nerves- the feel of Ahsoka's hands against her back, and hers against Ahsoka.

More than that, there were other times, their first assignment together, the idea that they might not make it out alive -being trapped in a collapsed cavern, learning to trust each other because they had to. And later, Ahsoka's ice-cold hands against her back as they both narrowly avoided death by way of a parasitic invader: again, that feeling of intense trust, of being together even after she was pushed to the edge by the control of the brain-worms. Was _it_ -that _feeling_, the attraction that's so hard to name -was it there then, and on the times since that they have interacted? Was it always there?

She swallows, forces herself to strip down, and then pull her day robes on. Ahsoka is a friend. She really is, regardless of the conflicts they might have working together, or how rocky their initial interactions were.

But a friendship, a purely _platonic_ friendship, based on convenience and similarities in ages and interests, is all that is allowed between Jedi. And a platonic friendship is all that Ahsoka feels towards Barriss; she's certain of that. Ahsoka has never shown any attraction to any women before.

Although...

Barriss pauses as she tightens her belt. Ahsoka has never shown any attraction to anyone before, regardless of gender. And Barriss herself has never shown any of the attraction -the _physical_ attraction- that she's ever felt towards the few people that she's met in passing on missions. It is something that, while not to be ashamed of (Barriss is well aware that Jedi are, contrary to popular belief, not forced to be celibate) shouldn't be shown in a time when it could distract attention from the mission at hand. It is, of course, entirely possible that Ahsoka is attracted to women.

From there, it means that it is possible that Ahsoka has feelings for her. She might simply refuse to show them.

"But she doesn't," Barriss says, shaping her thoughts aloud. "And whatever feelings I have-" and oh, Force, she's thinking at the moment that, yes, she is starting to become attracted to Ahsoka in a way both physical and emotional- "are my own issue, and I need to find a way to resolve them."

Vocalizing her thoughts calms her, lets her clear her mind out, and reach into the Force for stability. In turn, that lets her make some form of a plan.

Her emotions cannot -will not- become a distraction. Barriss will not allow them to. Likewise, they are not something that she can allow to fester within her until they become too great to ignore. They need to be resolved, if she wishes to keep her professional friendship with Ahsoka -and she does, she really, really does. Even if some part of her wants more than what she has now, she is professional enough to know that it cannot happen, and to allow it to would be entirely unbecoming of a Jedi. Such relations, when already based in friendship, would certainly lead to attachment.

She resolves to talk to her Master about this, once they have the privilege of privacy upon landing on Coruscant. And until then, she will do her best to minimize her interactions with Ahsoka. Every confrontation she has increases the risk of her letting something slip to Ahsoka. Separation is the only option.

Barriss steels her shoulders and walks out of the 'fresher, desperately hoping that the Force will be kind, let her newly-acknowledged feelings for Ahsoka not affect her behavior, nor her capability as a Jedi.

But the Force is silent and unyielding of its mysteries, and Barriss realizes that maybe, even with what advice Master Unduli has to offer- she is in this on her own, and maybe -a very far stretch, but still, a possibility- she, alone, will have what she needs to make it through her attraction to Ahsoka without destroying their war-forged friendship.


	4. Chapter 4

Barriss and Ahsoka depart the ship together, a few steps behind their masters. The sun is high in the sky as she takes a deep breath. Breathing outside on Coruscant usually doesn't bring such a feeling of freshness, but it tastes cleaner here than it did on the ship, with its poorly-circulated air, and fresher than it did when they left the battle -almost anything tastes better than thick, cloying air ripe with the scent of saber-scorched droids and the blood of fallen troopers.

"You two won't be needed at the briefing," announces Master Skywalker as they head to the Temple. "We can handle it ourselves."

"You've earned your respite," adds Luminara. "Padawan, you'll be in our quarters?"

"Yes, Master." They really have earned it, the break awarded to Ahsoka and she (and, of course, their masters). Barriss hadn't thought about it on the way back to Coruscant; her mind had been too occupied by her emotional revelations, but they were told before they left that, following the completion of their mission, they'd be given a break of at least two-weeks before heading back into the field. Such things have been rarer and rarer since the war began two and a half years ago, and Barriss is grateful for the chance to practice healing in a sterile, controlled environment instead of out on a messy, high-stakes battleground.

She can't deny that it complicates things, though. It's to her benefit that she has time to dissect her emotions for Ahsoka instead of leaving them to weigh down on her mind, throwing her concentration off-balance, but they'll inevitably cross paths in the Temple; probably spar together, and maybe end up in the same lectures. Barriss doesn't know how she'll deal with Ahsoka's presence now that she's aware of her infatuation.

Something pinches her arm, and she jumps. "I said, want to walk back to my quarters with me? I'd go to yours, but I think that mine are closer."

"Oh -of course. I'll come with you." She rubs her arm, skin prickling where Ahsoka grabbed her.

Their walk back isn't very long, and Barriss was expecting it to be spent in silence. Ahsoka has other plans, though, and she keeps up a steady stream of non-consequential chatter. They end up spending the brief walk discussing the classes they'll be attending during their sabbatical (naturally, Barriss' focus more on maintaining a bedside manner that becomes a Jedi, while Ahsoka's are about the latest class of droids deployed by the Separatists, and how to best fight them).

"I'll see you later," Ahsoka says cheerfully as she punches in the code to unlock her door. "Do you want to spar later? The day after tomorrow, maybe; I need some time to relax before I get back to my classes and dueling."

"I'd like that. Shall we meet at the arena at our usual time?" They had taken to practicing their lightsaber combat around 1600 when they were in the Temple together since their noon classes were over by 1500, and any evening ones didn't begin until 1700.

"Of course. See you then!" Ahsoka smiles at her, and Barriss' heart skips a beat. She does her best to respond in the same manner, but she knows that her weak grin probably looks more like she's fighting nausea.

You're acting like a lovesick child, she thinks on the walk back to her own quarters. Has she been behaving like this without realizing it, or has the sudden awareness of her infatuation really affected her actions so much? Part of her wishes that she could go back in time to analyze her behavior before the ship ride home.

She takes the turbo-lift up to where her quarters are. It feels good to be back here in the Temple. Close to two months have past since she's been on Coruscant, and although a Jedi isn't supposed to hold one place closer to her heart than another, the Temple has been like her home since she was very young. Thinking of it as simply a place to touch base is something she's been trying to train herself to do, but old habits die hard.

The apartment that she shares with Master Unduli is unchanged. Cleaning droids keep the place spotless; there isn't even a layer of dust to indicate that they've been gone.

Barriss enters her sleeping room and shrugs off her heavy robe, shutting the door behind her. It's nice in here, the temperature always controlled to the slightly-warm degree that she finds comfortable.

She crosses her legs under her as she takes a seat on the floor and breathes in deeply. Relaxing her mind, she levitates herself several centimeters off of the floor. She hasn't performed a floating meditation in some time, and she really needs the guidance from the Force now. Knowing that Master Unduli won't be back from the briefing with the Council for at least a half hour, she lets herself slip into a deep meditation, focusing on the question that's been burning in her mind ever since she realized her feelings for Ahsoka: What next?

* * *

A knock on her door draws Barriss from her meditation, and her Master's clear voice calls out, "Barriss? May I join you?"

"Always, Master," Barriss replies. She lowers herself to the floor and stretches her arms, stiff from remaining in her lap for so long. In the back of her mind she wonders how long she has been engulfed in the Force; she has no chrono in her room, and with the shades drawn, she has no view of the sky to see where the sun currently lies.

"Your mind is heavy," says Luminara as she pulls the door closed behind her and takes a seat upon the floor. She folds her legs into a meditative position. "It is rare for us to have such a break from the war; I would expect you to take advantage of it, to catch up on your lessons, or to continue training with Master Che and the rest of the healers. Instead, you have been brooding since we arrived back on Coruscant."

"I find that meditation helps me to focus myself and to relax," she answers, avoiding the unspoken question.

"It does," agrees her Master. "I have no disagreement with you there. But I must ask what you need to focus so keenly on. Twelve hours of meditation, I would think, should be more than enough time to reflect upon whatever problems you are dealing with. If something is really so serious that it requires more time than that, I would expect you to confide in me."

"Twelve hours?" She winces. Half a day's time on Coruscant, and if it was approaching noontime when they landed, then it must be almost a new morning now. That long, and the meditation was essentially useless. The Force was comforting, of course, and it calmed her greatly, but she has no guidance whatsoever, not the slightest clue on whether to approach Ahsoka about her feelings or not.

Barriss isn't foolish; she knows that the Force isn't like the Archive's database. You cannot just sit down, make a few keystrokes, and expect to have all of the answers to your problems. It takes time, and when you do manage to draw some information from your meditations, more time is often needed to ponder upon what you have learned. Twelve hours is extensive, though, especially considering that she has gained nothing from it. "I'm sorry, Master Unduli. I didn't realize how much time had passed."

Luminara nods. "I understand, Padawan. I'm not angry that you were meditating. You have a fortnight off, after all, and I know that you'll catch up on your lessons during that period. I'm simply concerned about what you would be mulling over for so long. Is there something that you wish to talk about, Barriss?"

She hesitates. If meditation has proved useless, then talking to her Master is probably the next logical step –but she needs to tread carefully; doesn't want to admit that it's Ahsoka she has feelings for; Ahsoka, the girl she's gone on missions with ever since they became friends on Geonosis, who Luminara knows and trusts, who's supposed to be nothing more than a valued colleague. That, and it's hard to admit that she's developed feelings for anyone. Doing a thing so explicitly against the Jedi way is not how Barriss prefers to act.  
"Master, when you were younger-my age, say—did you ever…develop feelings for someone?"

Luminara studies her carefully. It takes all of Barriss' concentration to not squirm under her gaze like a youngling being chastised for not sharing a toy. "You know, of course, that the Code forbids all emotional attachments. It is perhaps the first lesson taught to Jedi –to not be attached to parents that we never really knew; more, I suppose, to not develop links to the caretakers who raise us.

"Sexual attraction," she continues, to Barriss' dismay, "as I'm sure you learned, is not forbidden. We are not -have never been- a celibate organization. You're nearing the end of your adolescent period, Barriss, and I'm not surprised that you are developing such -such urges."

All of Barriss' self-control can't stop her cheeks from brightening with embarrassment. Of course she's thought about sex, but only in a vague, distant sort of way. She's barely even considered whether she'd rather be with a man or a woman. Being a Jedi trumps being a teenager, and her duty is far more important than whatever carnal desires might arise within her.

"But I presume that you aren't asking whether I've ever been attracted to someone in a physical way -to which the answer would be yes," Master Unduli adds with a vaguely devilish smile. "It's nothing to be ashamed of, particularly when you're young. As Jedi we might be better at repressing those feelings than most citizens, but that doesn't mean that they aren't present.

"In any case, you want to know whether or not I've ever fallen in love. Is that correct, Padawan?"

"That's correct, Master."

Luminara looks at her, her thoughtful expression visible even in the dark room. "Might I know what leads you to ask me that?"

Barriss realizes that she's been unconsciously slouching and fiddling with a loose string from her robe. She forces herself to let go of it and sit up straight, hands folded carefully in her lap. "Partially curiosity. It is not a topic we've discussed on a personal level."

"And?"

She bites down on her lip. Lying is not the Jedi way. "I feel as though it's a conversation that could offer me some guidance at the moment."

"Ahh." Luminara nods. She understands the unsaid statement. "Well then, yes. Yes, I have fallen in love before –or what felt like love, at least. Perhaps it was more infatuation."

Barriss waits. She's been Master Unduli's apprentice for long enough to know when she's finished and when she isn't.

"It was a long time ago. I was older than you, out on one of my first missions after my knighting. Perhaps I felt reckless without my Master's guidance.

"She was an associate of the Jedi. Not one of us, but she kept in close contact with the Temple -a professional information-gatherer, of sorts. It was a negotiation mission, to settle a minor dispute between local clans that had the potential to grow out of control. She provided me with the background knowledge that I required to understand the dispute.

"I settled the issue fairly quickly. It was, as I said, a minor one." A small smile curves on Luminara's lips. "But I remained on the planet -to follow up on the results of my conclusion, I claimed. Really it was because of her, and the things I felt for her. Perhaps even the things that she taught me. It isn't something that I can easily explain."

Barriss nods, entranced by the story. She never knew her Master to be the sort of person who allowed her wants to get the best of her. It's a different side of her, and certainly an unexpected one.

"Of course, I left her in the end. We both had our duties to perform, after all, and mine left no room for relationships.

"I learned of her death years later. She went searching for information in the wrong places, poking after things that someone didn't want her to know. An investigation was conducted following her murder -being an ally to the Jedi, we were involved with it, and I was offered the chance to work on it. I refused. Even after all of that time, I still expected that my old feelings would have prevented me from operating properly on that case."

She stops, and Barriss knows that she is reflecting back. "I haven't thought of her in a long while. Old memories, and painful ones, at that, but I suppose that they are not entirely unwelcome."

Luminara shakes her head and comes back from the trance of buried recollections. "Is any of that relevant to you, Barriss?"

"I don't know," she replies truthfully. "You acted on your emotions-"

"Something rather unbecoming of a Jedi," Luminara adds dryly.

"-but you were able to cut it off cleanly. There was a minimal risk of you running into her again. I suppose that it was irresponsible of you to behave that way, but it was at little consequence."

"Perhaps. Certainly, it wasn't as risky as pursuing a relationship with another Jedi would be."

Barriss starts. In the dark, she can't tell if Luminara really is looking at her with narrowed, shrewd eyes, or if it's just her imagination. Her voice weak, she asks, "If that were the case... what would your advice be?"

Luminara sighs, and Barriss is certain that she's not imagining the sympathy that she sees in her Master's eyes. "Oh, Padawan. In that case, I would advise you to not act on your feelings at all. A relationship with another Jedi -even if it were just a physical one- will affect you more than a brief, emotional fling with a relative stranger. You know why."

She does. If she acted on her feelings for Ahsoka, there would be consequences, and likely major ones. They couldn't avoid each other after the inevitable breaking-off of their (hypothetical) relationship. She could end up valuing Ahsoka's safety above that of someone else if they were on a mission together. And those are just off the top of her head. If she let herself mull over it she could doubtlessly come up with many more. "I do."

Her Master sighs again and stands up. To Barriss' surprise, she drops a gentle kiss on her forehead. "It is hard. You know that I wouldn't dare lie about that. But if you pursue a relationship with a Jedi, you will get hurt. Eventually, it might hurt others -and that would pain you, I know. I don't want to see that happen, Barriss. Repressing -rather, releasing, or even better, destroying- your feelings will do you the most good in the end. As difficult as that might be."

With that Luminara exits, and Barriss is left alone in the dark of her room, surrounded by truths that she desperately wishes were falsehoods.


End file.
